I WISHED THE SCAR WON’T GO AWAY

I have been hallucinating for the past 3 days… Each time I tried to get some shut eyes, I kept hearing the calls of Joey. Was it the getting use to her calls each morning got stuck in my memory? I’m not too sure as those calls were so crystal clear and it happened right in front of my bedroom many times. Each time I jumped up of my bed and rushed to the door, there were not a single soul in sight. It was weird. It was eerie. Moreover, Joey passed away on the 1st day of the 7th month in the Chinese Lunar Calendar which was the start of the month where the Chinese believed was the opening of the Heaven and Hell’s door for the deceased to visit the living for the whole month. Err…

I’m still trying to keep myself intact here without thinking too much and it was not easy. I had mood swings very often, so did Jimmy. He still could not get over the demise of his sister. All day long he would just sit next to where her sister was looking really miserable and not wanting to eat much. I can understand his behavior as I had also lost my appetite and moods in doing just anything. It felt like the whole world crumbled apart, squashing us to the ground, not letting us having any thoughts at all in the already solemn atmosphere.

Losing someone close is sad but losing someone that you had helped to come into the world with your bare hands and taking her as if she was your own blood was devastating. I hope I can get over it soon. It has been quite awhile since I had written a long post but I had to do it now to keep my mind occupied to avoid becoming more depress. The next thing I had to do is to keep watchful eyes over Jimmy. It was only 4 days and he has lost a lot of weight. He was not even interested in his favorite KFC. Neither was he taking a lot of fluid. If this goes on, I might need to take him for a check up first thing Monday morning. No matter what, I think I have to take him there too as ever since the day Joey left us, he has been furiously trying to get himself hurt by scratching his head and clawing on hard cement until he bled. Something is surely not really right here. I had given up on all possible explanation to his weird change of behavior. The only thing left for me to do is to make sure nothing serious would happen in this family again.

Could it be due to the twin connection? Some said it was a myth but to me it really exists. While feeding Joey her food and medication few hours before she was gone, she gave me a deep scratch below my left thumb. Barely an hour later, Jimmy scratched me for no reason 5” apart. Was it a coincident? I guessed not as that was not how Jimmy had behaved before. Weird! Many people would want that hurtful scar to vanish as quickly as possible but I want it to remain there forever. It was the last connection I had with Joey and it was the last scratch I had from her. I do not want it to disappear… sob~ sob~ I wished I can hug my baby again… now…